Out of Power...

Our power went out last night and we've yet to be restored. I'm writing this from my phone so it will be short... I hate when stuff like this happens. It makes me feels hopeless. We've been scrambling around, going to places to hang out to stay cool. The power company kept giving us imaginary restoration times until they gave up and resorted to saying they will restore us "as soon as possible." This is the longest we've been without power. Please pray for us! Until next time, XOXOXO Mrsmorphosis

Random Personal Business

I went shopping for nail polish yesterday. Believe it or not, I usually do my polish shopping online, however, I felt like getting away from the office for a bit and I took my husband with me. For those of you who don't know, my husband and I work together, too!

I really only wanted him for companionship, but as it turns out, he was of much more help than I expected him to be. Firstly, I like to ask his opinion on colors because I am happier about what I wear when I know he likes it. If that makes me codependent or brainless, so be it:). Secondly, and this kind of suprised me and made my insides smile, he allowed me to use his bare fingernails to test colors since mine were already painted neon blue and purple. Jay never ceases to amaze me with the instances in which he will show me just how far he will go to make me happy. He is truly the bestest bestie a girl could want.

I know I should have a girl-bestie, but I don't. I could use the line I used back in the day that, "I don't get along with girls as well as I do with guys," but I know that today, in 2012, that is so far from the case. The truth is, I'm awkward. I don't know how to talk to or befriend a girl without sounding, well, for the lack of a better description, desperate for friendship! It seems that whenever I'm around women, all I know how to do is compliment them. When my husband is around, I find it easier to talk to women, but alone? I'm superly duperly awkward.

Another reason is that I don't think I'm cute and I KNOW that I'm not fashionable. I'm BIG so I don't get to wear the cutsie clothes girls wear these days - without looking like a freak show, that is. I mean, I know that there are big girls out there who wear what people would call "fashionable" clothing, but I'm not bold or brave enough to wear what I see them wearing. And let's face it, some big girls simply have no shame and will squeeze their heavy selves into whatever and not give a darn what people think. I admire that kind of confidence, to an extent...

I have started to eat better and have lost some weight in the last two weeks. It is my desire to continue on this path and eventually work my way up to doing actual exercise. The funny thing is, I really just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I know that this body isn't the body I was meant to have.

I don't wish to be super skinny, I just want to be able to wear something, anything, on a daily basis, look in the mirror and think, "Hey, that looks really good on you." I'd like not to feel like I have to wear a cover-sweater every day of the year, whether it's 10 degrees or 104 degrees like it is today. I'd like to be able to walk toward a person, or a group of people, on the street, and not automatically go into panic-adjust-myself mode so as not to offend anyone's eyeballs.  It's sad to think of oneself as offensive, I know, but don't pity me, please:). I know that this a process, I'm not a "victim" of this body. I did it to myself and I am living with the consequences...

My prayer is that through these blogs, I will eventually discover the reason behind my allowing myself to get this huge; I know this isn't the real me and change, TRANSFORMATION, is in my future, inside and out...

Until next time,

XOXOXO

Mrsmorphosis

Rough Morning

So we moved offices this week, and I only know (remember) one way to get into it. Without going into much detail, I got a little lost this morning because the way I usually take was unavailable until 9:00 a.m. It ended with someone telling me to do something that I'm sure he knew good and well would NOT work, most likely on PURPOSE, to screw with me. This may make me sound weak and unglued, but I became so frustrated, so mad, that I almost cried. I had to sit down on a step in a stairwell to breathe deeply and calm myself down. Once I did that, I literally found myself praying that God would do something bad to that purposefully deceptive jerk today!

I'm only human, I'm a work in progress, God knows my heart, blah, blah, blah; isn't that what all the bad Christians say?

But see, it is in my own mind that I believe that he told me what he did on PURPOSE, knowing it would not work. I don't really know whether or not that's true...yet in my own mind...

Anyway, do you ever get SICK of yourself? The above is a prime example of the kinds of things I think and do that absolutely sicken me, but that, for some reason, I CONTINUE to do. I know that there are a lot of people out there who know that they do the wrong things all the time but have accepted it as, "Just who I am; love me or leave me alone." You know what? I used to be one of those people...but...

I got a glimpse of a better me several years ago. A me that was able to shamelessly fall to her knees in worship and prayer to God, no matter who was watching. A me that was literally able to pull from Jesus the kind of caring and compassion that I, Jessika, was unable to  tap into at that very moment. A me that was active, more social, unconditionally loving of myself and others. The me I am today is not enough. I need more.

People my age and older have a tendancy to be "stuck." And not just any kind of stuck. The kind of stuck that negatively affects your own thinking of who you are, what you are and aren't able to be and do, to the point where you actually don't think there is anything about you that NEEDS to be moved, changed, transformed in the first place.

THAT AIN'T ME!!!

I'm thinking a little differently about some things, things that in the near future I may have the guts to talk to you about, but, that for now, while I'm still adjusting, will need keep to myself. Something in me has sort of "clicked," in a particular area of my life and it feels weird. I think the real reason I'm waiting to share it is because I want to make sure it's not just a "phase;" I go through lots of "phases." When I'm sure, I will let y'all know...

Until next time,

XOXOXO

Mrsmorphosis

Warming Up...

I used to write as Truth Healz, or TruthHealz, but I have dumped that moniker and have returned as Mrsmorphosis. Please be patient with me as I get back into this writing thing...I'm rusty!

It has been a while since I've written one of these. My inspiration to write again has come from two places. One, my husband; and two, going through a lot of old blogs I used to write back in the day as Truth Healz. Yes, it is I, the former Truth Healz (or TruthHealz), writing as the ever-changed, and STILL changing, Mrsmorphosis.

I'm rusty. VERY rusty at this. My hope is to get my "groove" back in preparation for writing my book. A book that has yet to be absolutely defined as an autobiography, inspirational, fiction...? I have no idea what it's going to be...

What I do know is that there is a story to tell. My story. It's a good one - and bad, and ugly and bitter and sad and happy and depressing and encouraging and all kinds of BLESSED. I just need to conjure up the courage to write it...

In the meantime, here is what has happened since you've last heard from me: I got married to the love of my life. Those of you who used to read my old stuff know him as Tall Guy. Yes, I actually married Tall Guy after six years of ups and downs and will we's or won't we's. We were married on August 8, 2010.

I live in Maryland with my husband and our collective three children, my two biological sons and his biological daughter. We are an unusual, goofy and super-blessed family. I couldn't have dreamed for a better one.

There is much more to say...but it will have to wait...

Until next time,

XOXOXO

Mrsmorphosis