Tuesday, September 24, 2013

I'm Not Who I (thought) I Was

My sister posted something recently on her Facebook page that struck a chord in my spirit:

I remember thinking that about myself as a younger person. At least until about my mid 20's, which is when I first embarked on a spiritual journey that eventually led me to Christ. 

Even before I was introduced to Him on an intimate level, I knew that the angry, weak, broken, lustful, negative, hateful, arrogant, unhappy, ignorant and self-loathing person that I was at the time was not the person I was born to be. You couldn't tell me that before I made that realization, though, because I was good and proud of who I was and you either had to "Love me just the way I am or leave me alone!"

To an extent, I understand the root of this oft-proclaimed mantra of the masses. Of course you want to be loved for who you are. But if who you are is all that I described above, what kind of people are you inviting into your life to love you? Surely, surrounding yourself with that sort of crowd will keep you in a low state for the rest of your life!

I'm still in the process of figuring out who I REALLY am, who I was CREATED to be. To be my age and not realize that yet seems ridiculous, I know. For the longest time, I have been unable to get past the fact that I don't know how I was conceived (don't be funny - you know what I mean!:)), and that I have never known who my biological father was, who his family was. Just recently it struck me that I might have half brothers and sisters out there that I don't even know about. It has been niggling at my heart and mind and apparently my spirit for years and years...

But what if...

I've just had a thought. (Holy Spirit, is that You?) The Lord doesn't care about all of that. He may have even kept those truths away from me on purpose...

Lord, are you telling me that You want to be the one and ONLY Father I've ever known? Have you reserved that role in my life just for Yourself? Are you saying I shouldn't depend on knowing what earthly DNA is in me in order to feel "whole" because the person I was born to be is rooted in You and You alone? Do I proceed with my life with the understanding that I am cut from the cloth of the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords?

But that means I'd have to always walk around with my head held up high! That I have have zero reason to complain! That EVERY word that comes out of my mouth has power and authority to carry out what I say! 

Dear Lord/Dad, 

I like your plan for my life way better than the one I've been following...


Your Daughter, Jessika

Until next time,


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