I went shopping for nail polish yesterday. Believe it or not, I usually do my polish shopping online, however, I felt like getting away from the office for a bit and I took my husband with me. For those of you who don't know, my husband and I work together, too!
I really only wanted him for companionship, but as it turns out, he was of much more help than I expected him to be. Firstly, I like to ask his opinion on colors because I am happier about what I wear when I know he likes it. If that makes me codependent or brainless, so be it:). Secondly, and this kind of suprised me and made my insides smile, he allowed me to use his bare fingernails to test colors since mine were already painted neon blue and purple. Jay never ceases to amaze me with the instances in which he will show me just how far he will go to make me happy. He is truly the bestest bestie a girl could want.
I know I should have a girl-bestie, but I don't. I could use the line I used back in the day that, "I don't get along with girls as well as I do with guys," but I know that today, in 2012, that is so far from the case. The truth is, I'm awkward. I don't know how to talk to or befriend a girl without sounding, well, for the lack of a better description, desperate for friendship! It seems that whenever I'm around women, all I know how to do is compliment them. When my husband is around, I find it easier to talk to women, but alone? I'm superly duperly awkward.
Another reason is that I don't think I'm cute and I KNOW that I'm not fashionable. I'm BIG so I don't get to wear the cutsie clothes girls wear these days - without looking like a freak show, that is. I mean, I know that there are big girls out there who wear what people would call "fashionable" clothing, but I'm not bold or brave enough to wear what I see them wearing. And let's face it, some big girls simply have no shame and will squeeze their heavy selves into whatever and not give a darn what people think. I admire that kind of confidence, to an extent...
I have started to eat better and have lost some weight in the last two weeks. It is my desire to continue on this path and eventually work my way up to doing actual exercise. The funny thing is, I really just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I know that this body isn't the body I was meant to have.
I don't wish to be super skinny, I just want to be able to wear something, anything, on a daily basis, look in the mirror and think, "Hey, that looks really good on you." I'd like not to feel like I have to wear a cover-sweater every day of the year, whether it's 10 degrees or 104 degrees like it is today. I'd like to be able to walk toward a person, or a group of people, on the street, and not automatically go into panic-adjust-myself mode so as not to offend anyone's eyeballs. It's sad to think of oneself as offensive, I know, but don't pity me, please:). I know that this a process, I'm not a "victim" of this body. I did it to myself and I am living with the consequences...
My prayer is that through these blogs, I will eventually discover the reason behind my allowing myself to get this huge; I know this isn't the real me and change, TRANSFORMATION, is in my future, inside and out...
Until next time,