Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Rough Morning

So we moved offices this week, and I only know (remember) one way to get into it. Without going into much detail, I got a little lost this morning because the way I usually take was unavailable until 9:00 a.m. It ended with someone telling me to do something that I'm sure he knew good and well would NOT work, most likely on PURPOSE, to screw with me. This may make me sound weak and unglued, but I became so frustrated, so mad, that I almost cried. I had to sit down on a step in a stairwell to breathe deeply and calm myself down. Once I did that, I literally found myself praying that God would do something bad to that purposefully deceptive jerk today!

I'm only human, I'm a work in progress, God knows my heart, blah, blah, blah; isn't that what all the bad Christians say?

But see, it is in my own mind that I believe that he told me what he did on PURPOSE, knowing it would not work. I don't really know whether or not that's true...yet in my own mind...

Anyway, do you ever get SICK of yourself? The above is a prime example of the kinds of things I think and do that absolutely sicken me, but that, for some reason, I CONTINUE to do. I know that there are a lot of people out there who know that they do the wrong things all the time but have accepted it as, "Just who I am; love me or leave me alone." You know what? I used to be one of those people...but...

I got a glimpse of a better me several years ago. A me that was able to shamelessly fall to her knees in worship and prayer to God, no matter who was watching. A me that was literally able to pull from Jesus the kind of caring and compassion that I, Jessika, was unable to  tap into at that very moment. A me that was active, more social, unconditionally loving of myself and others. The me I am today is not enough. I need more.

People my age and older have a tendancy to be "stuck." And not just any kind of stuck. The kind of stuck that negatively affects your own thinking of who you are, what you are and aren't able to be and do, to the point where you actually don't think there is anything about you that NEEDS to be moved, changed, transformed in the first place.


I'm thinking a little differently about some things, things that in the near future I may have the guts to talk to you about, but, that for now, while I'm still adjusting, will need keep to myself. Something in me has sort of "clicked," in a particular area of my life and it feels weird. I think the real reason I'm waiting to share it is because I want to make sure it's not just a "phase;" I go through lots of "phases." When I'm sure, I will let y'all know...

Until next time,




  1. Jessika: as you've said, you're only human, a work in progress (a phrase that I often use for myself) because as I move through life "in phases" I find myself thinking about places where I could use a little "work" and there are times that I pursue it and other times it'll just fall to the wayside, but always know and remember that you are only human and you do and are entitled to make mistakes or minor setbacks, but those people who try to stop you from being the best you, will always be there, ignore that and remain steadfast in your faith. Love you!

  2. I get sick of myself ALL THE TIME. I have a problem with thinking that people are always out to get me and it makes me bitter and mean. I find myself wanting to be nasty to people for no reason just because of what people have done to me. A little story: Once a white jetta with virginia tags called the police on me and said i had road rage. I was FURIOUS when in fact it was her that had the road rage. Anywho i was so bitter that for a whole two months I called the police on any white jetta i saw on the road in hopes that i would get the person that called the police on me. Sickening right?