I'd Rather...

And that is all...

Until Next Time...

XOXOXO

Jessika

Getting Over a Rough Patch

Sigh...

I started to get extremely worried; worried in a way that was in no way healthy and left me feeling completely helpless. I quite literally thought, felt like my life, as I knew it, was about to be turned completely upside down...

There was a point where the issue was so overwhelming that I got a little angry at God because I felt like He was allowing this to happen as a way to "force" me to come to Him - and I resented it. The result of ALL of this was that I hurt and cried more in one night than I've cried and hurt in the last three years combined.

One could say I'm a bit stubborn. Okay, more like stubborn as a bull. I don't claim to know everything, but I have a pretty good understanding of what it is I should and shouldn't do and say. Sometimes (a lot of times), however, I don't actually succeed in putting those things that I know into action.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have displayed all of the telltale signs of one who lacks WISDOM.

I desire Wisdom...so I prayed for it and believe that it will be given to me - and that plenty of opportunities to display my newly acquired gift will follow...

You could say that my recently overcome rough patch was the equivalent to having a huge, brightly-lit mirror staring me in my face, and I didn't like what I saw. What I saw made me remorseful, embarrassed, and ready to be forgiven - not only by those I've hurt, not only by God, but by MYSELF, too.

It's funny how the things we're "supposed" to do in life, the "right" things, seem to be the hardest to start doing. Yet, those things make you feel better about yourself than the wrong things will ever make you feel. Interestingly enough, the "wrong" things are much easier to do and KEEP doing than the right ones are.

This world is so backwards. I can't wait to go HOME...

Until Next Time,

XOXOXO

Jessika

Slackin' Already...

...but I forgive myself.

I've been home for too long. I had to take the day off Friday for Noah and took the day off again today. I actually MISS work, which never happens; can't wait to go back tomorrow.


Things have been a little "off" with me lately. I'd blame it on my period but there are some things that simply can't be brushed under that bloody rug. There need to be some things about me that don't change, regardless of my hormonal imbalances. God is always constant; the closer I get to Him, the more consistent I will be in all things.


I'm getting over the beauty guru thing on youtube. I'm sick of tutorials and suggestions on what I should spend my hard-earned money on, too. I have more makeup than I know what to do with already; I should give/throw 85 percent of it away. However, what usually happens when I get sick of something and give it away, whether it be makeup or handbags, I end up missing the thing/wishing I never gave it away weeks/months later.


I don't even know why I ever got into this stuff. I don't wear that much makeup and I'm watching videos with girls completely hidden behind masks of foundation and powder and eyeshadow and whatever trying to tell me what I should buy to put on my skin. I'm not saying there is anything "wrong" with what they're doing; but if I should watch a video, it should be of someone who promotes more natural, breathing skin on a day to day basis. I do like eyeshadow, but it's too much work to bother with every single day. I don't know how they do it. I suppose some of these girls can't help it; I'm assuming if you're always taking pictures and are on film, you "have" to wear foundation and extra stuff on your face. I don't know.

Why am I rambling away about makeup?


I'm having communication issues with someone close to me. It's like anything requiring more than five words out of my mouth (or my fingers in a text message) turns into some kind of argument or provocation to negative or snide comments. I don't recall it ever being THIS hard to talk to this person. There's obviously an underlying issue; the question is whether or not I care to get to the heart of it. I'm leaning towards NO.

Until next time,



Jessika

Long Time No Blog

Geez, where have I been? Once again, lost in youtube and other non-important things like nail polishing, nail polish organizing, nail polish shopping, nail polish lusting-after and so on an so forth...

It's after 6:00 p.m. and I JUST finished doing all of my work for today. Sigh.

So, I'm on a mission to not be so interested in nail polish anymore (though I'm still anxiously awaiting that second Zoya shipment that I ordered using my sis's account with the bogo free promo). I just got over my handbag obsession and to prove it, I purposely SKIPPED my Little Black Bag this month, even though there were several items that caught my eye, just to show The Handbag who's boss! I think I'll cancel altogether...hmm..will I be able to get away with that?...hold on...YES! I was able to call them and cancel. I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!!!! (NOTHING against LBB, okay? I think it's awesome, just trying to break these chains!!!!)

I really do annoy myself with my back to back obsessions/addictions. It's not Godly in any way, shape or form. I have a sound and self-controlled mind and wallet and I CAN stop spending them on foolishness...

A thought that keeps entering my mind is death. Yes, death. Aside from the fact that I've dreamt twice in less than three weeks that a serial killer was after me (the first one actually caught me and held me prisoner but I escaped only to have him chase me again with a chainsaw), I keep seeing myself being lowered into the ground and yet still having thoughts like, "I bought all those bags and polishes and I won't need a single one of them where I'm going! I won't even think about them there!"

It seems crazy to think like that but I've been doing it more and more. I'll be engaged in one activity or another and my mind keeps saying, "None of this will matter in the end, in the long run, etc." There is so much that I do and say on a day to day basis that simply doesn't mean ANYTHING to ANYONE - especially not to God - yet, I can and DO spend hours and hours and hours and more hours doing it. However, let me spend a few minutes reading the bible or praying and I can't stop yawning and/or aching to take a nap.

I abhor satan!!!!

But I can't give him all the credit. He wouldn't know what to tempt me with if I didn't give into the temptations so consistently, now would he? God doesn't care about what I'm wearing, doesn't care about my makeup routine, or how my nails look or how on-trend I am or amen't ("amen't," meaning, "am not;" another word in my yet-unreleased book, "New-Jessika's Dictionary of Made-Up Words"). And that's another thing, I'm already sick of this Mrsmorphosis moniker. I just want to write as myself, Jessika Blount. Is that crazy? (I really do want an answer to that)

I'm getting older. I've given up the Facebook games I used to play for at least a month now, but it's time for me to forreal-forreal take back my life and get some discipline in ALL things: attitude, shopping, food intake, shopping, exercise, shopping, the words that come out of my mouth, shopping, watching youtube videos, shopping...

In short, I'm not happy with the person I am today because I know I can be, was made to be, BETTER than this. I guess I always feel like this; to be honest, I'd rather feel like this than to think that I'm a-ok just the way I am, like those self-delusional jerkazoids (MY word, don't use it!) who make everyone around them sick with their attitudes, disposition, whatever, yet walk around thoroughly self-satisfied and/or thinking they're God's gift to humanity...

Don't misunderstand me, I don't think "lowly" of myself, and I don't think that the way I am makes God or anyone else hate me, I'm just sayin' there's room for some improvements, and I'm ready to make them...

Until Next Time,

XOXOXO

Jessika

It's Official...

I'm addicted to nail polish. Sigh. I bought two green nail polishes this week from Amazon.com and am also expecting EIGHT more nail polishes from Zoya, as I took advantage of their buy one get one free promo...AAAAND, I hadn't even remembered this until this morning, but, I'm expecting polishes from my monthly Boho Glam Julep Maven Subscription box, which, by the way, includes two add-ons, making it four total...

Sigh...

I went into Rite Aid this morning to exchange my one unopened Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Honey for one in Charm, which, by the way, is my new fave for everyday wear. Yet...after making my exchange, I spotted a little section that I'd never spotted before and ended up leaving with these:

UGH!!!!!

The picture is kind of washing out the vibrancy of some of these colors, so I'll just tell you what they are from left to right:

Frenzy 922
HD Nails 926
Rise and Shine 940
San Francisco 802
Nail Junkie (how fitting; I swear I didn't even look at the name of this one until I got it to my desk this morning) 927
Flirting Nails 808
Daddys Girl 841

I wanna punch myself in the face...

Until Next Time,

XOXOXO

Mrsmorphosis

Change

This past weekend started with a BIG change: I CHOPPED OFF MY HAIR!!!! Yes, I went from having hair down to the middle of my back to a lot of short layers, the longest layers being just under two inches past my collar bone.

 

For some people this may not sound like much of a big deal...for me, however, it's pretty major. My hair hasn't been this short since I was in seventh grade. I actually "planned" to cut my hair SEVERAL years ago for my 30th birthday, but I was too chicken to go through with it. Now here I stand, not only with a whole lot less hair, but also with a brand new hair color! Yes! I also dyed my hair to add an extra PUNCH to the fact that I chopped off my mop. The color is called "red pepper" I think. Though the color is way more obvious on my roots than on the rest of my hair, I like it. To be honest, it's not the first time I've colored my hair some type of reddish color, however, it is the first time I've had it professionally done.

 

Here are some not so great pictures of my new 'do. I will post more when I can get out in the sun, as the location/time of day and/or lighting were not ideal at the times I took, them:

 

Hair split in middle when I got home Friday night:

 

 

Hair split to the side on the very cloudy Saturday afternoon before brunch at Paladar with my girlfriends and hubby:

 

A better picture of the color on the same cloudy day:

 

I had mixed feelings about the haircut...it is a lot shorter than I thought I asked my lady to cut it. But you know what? I'm glad she did it. I just washed my hair tonight and the process was oh so easy and took so much less time! Also, my hair grows pretty fast and it's hot as heck these days; having less hair will be a benefit for the remainder of this very hot summer. Also, when I put my hair up in a high ponytail, OMG, it's like a big, fat and most adorable pom-pom on top of my head! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

 

My husband used the following descriptive words for the cut: sassy, edgy, sophisticated, sexy, cute. Interesting mix of words, I'd say, but he likes it and I'm GLAD. I love how supportive he is of pretty much anything I decide to do. I jokingly texted him before I came home saying, "I'm bald!" and his response was, "Bring your sexy bald @$$ home to me." Yes, he wrote it exactly as I just wrote it:).

 

I must send a super huge SHOUT OUT to Antwanyce or RichAnt on FB, who works at C&K Hair Design in Bowie, MD. The place is so luxurious, FAR FROM GHETTO, and the ladies there are true professionals. I will most definitely be back!!!

 

My birthday is on Wednesday, August 29th, and in pre-celebration of that, my two girlfriends from work came to MD to join me and my hubby for brunch at Paladar Latin Kitchen and Rum Bar in Annapolis, MD this past Saturday. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that place. I'd eat there every week if I could the food's so darn good. Here are some pics of what we ate. Don't ask me to tell you what they were, just know it was all amazing:

 

Spicy guac and chips:

My food:

Hubby's food:

Khaliah's food:

Jennifer's food:

Jas and I also had some calamari, but honestly, of the three times we've been there, the calamari was the first and only disappointment. Not something we'd ever order again.

 

After brunch we went to Annapolis Mall where I actually purchased for the very first time some fragrances from Victoria's Secret. Yummy. We also people watched and laughed and laughed and laughed...

 

OMG my hubby just brought me some freakin' strawberry lemonade cupcakes that our daughter and he just baked together...mmmm...dreamy....

 

PLEASE REMEMBER TO LIKE MY DAUGHTER'S PAGE ON FACEBOOK: EPIC CAKES101:

 

They look like they're sitting in a bakery window, don't they?! They are BEAUTIFUL, tangy and sweet - just like my daughter! LOL!

 

 

Until next time,

 

XOXOXO

 

Mrsmorphosis

Growing Up...

My heart's a little heavy today. There's a lot going on inside of me right now that is kind of scaring me, stressing me out and all-around pressing down on my shoulders. If it weren't for the sustaining power of Jesus in my life, I'd probably run away from home or something crazier.

Please don't misunderstand me. I live a very blessed life. I'm head over heels in love with my husband and am so totally in love with my kids that sometimes I wish I could miniaturize them and carry them around in my bag so that I can take them out and kiss and squeeze them anytime I want. I don't need to wish that about my husband because we kiss and squeeze each other all day anywayz as he and I work in adjoining cubicles.

One of the major things tugging at me right now is the fact that my kids are getting older  - my oldest just turned 18 for goodness sake! My oldest has been for the most part my most well-behaved child since the very beginning. (I mean, seriously, he slept through the night, every night, from the very first day I brought him home.) I don't mean to compare him to my other two kids, really, but I don't remember being so afraid for him as I am for my other two kids at this point in time. The age difference between my oldest and my two younger children is only about five years, but it seems like the things they're exposed to these days weren't big issues for my Jaylen when he was about that age.

Jada...sigh. My 12-year-old Jada is, simply put, just too beautiful and "developed" for her age; to make things "worse," she has a very trusting and sweet personality. I am constantly afraid for her because I don't want her to be taken advantage of by boys - OR girls for that matter. I wish she wasn't as open and trusting as she is...yet the very things I want to protect her from are most likely the very things that will also "teach" her to be more guarded and careful when selecting who to trust. I am praying daily that if/when she learns the lessons that will mature and sharpen her discernment, it doesn't also harden her precious heart. Of my three children, I am MOST protective of her.

Noah...sigh again. My 13-year-old Noah has unfortunately been showing signs of a rebel personality. Of my three children, he is the one who struggles the most with following the rules. I swear, it's like he feels rules simply don't apply to him. I don't get it. His selection of friends and overall decision-making have been poor at best these last couple of years, and the consequences are more serious than I ever expected, rearing their ugly heads more frequently and pointedly these last few months.

Noah had always been my most challenging child, even from pregnancy. I was put on bed rest the last two months I carried him because my doctor was afraid he'd come out of me sooner than he was supposed to (I was two cm dilated at six mos.); he refused to breast feed; he didn't sleep through the night for nearly TWO YEARS after he was born; he was in and out of the emergency room the entire first year of his life with respiratory issues aggravated by my family's smoking, forcing me to move out of my mom's house with two kids at the very tender age of 22 for fear that staying there would kill my son; and he was kicked out of at least three different daycare facilities in two years due to wild behavior like stabbing holes in leather couches with pens and chopping another little girl's beautiful hair off with scissors.

Sigh.

All of this was on top of the fact that he threw extremely violent temper tantrums during which he would tell me he hated me and wished he had a different mother. For some reason my writing that just now made me tear up a bit. That last thing, where he would tell me he hated me, ended at about four years old, when I'd had enough of it, yanked him up by the front of his shirt, pressed him against a wall and let him know in no uncertain terms that I was NOT some random chick on the street, I was NOT his friend, that I didn't give a flying fig newton (ok, I might have said something else beginning with an 'f'; I wasn't saved then :/) whether or not he ever loved or liked me, but that he WOULD respect me, because I am the only mother he is ever going to have.

That encounter along with weekly beatings seemed to do the trick for a while. He never verbally lashed out at me again and he became more well-behaved. He seemed to start caring about whether or not he hurt or disappointed me with his actions, and did his best to make me proud. Even on his first day of kindergarten he assured me all would be well as I stood there wringing my fingers at the classroom door. He said to me, "Don't worry, mom. It will be okay. You'll see!" This commitment to being good lasted until about two years ago...

I find that when you have a relationship with someone in which there are a lot of challenges you face together, it sort of bonds you in a way that is unlike your easier, breezier relationships. This doesn't make one relationship any better or closer or favoriter (yes, I said "favoriter;" it's in my yet-to-be-published, New Jessika's Dictionary of Made-Up Words) than the others, just different. I have a connection with Noah...the way we communicate is very different from the way I communicate with my other two children...

It's quite possible that, if I allow myself to admit it, he and I are very much alike. He looks nothing like me, so much unlike me in fact that I've had people ask, "Oh, is he yours, too?"; but, there are a lot of things I've noticed about his personality that are very much like me, like it or not. These things make me want to choke him and love him more all at the same time. Anywayz, today, Noah has again become my big challenge, and I'm needing God now more than ever so that I don't screw it up.

For those of you who pray - in Jesus' name that is - please pray for us: for my daughter, that she would get closer to God and better discern and dare to be different from her friends; for my 18-year-old son, that he would get closer to God and find his way in this next stage of his life, and make decisions that will lead him to success; for Noah, that he will get closer to God and make smarter, more God-led decisions with regard to behavior and selecting his friends; and for my husband and me, that we will remember to always seek God's face first when it comes to caring for, disciplining and instructing our children so that our parenting may be positive and effective...

THANK YOU in advance...

Until next time,

XOXOXO

Mrsmorphosis