When the decision was made to start writing again, I thought that it would be important to also announce to everyone the availability of each new post. I've changed my mind...
I have already talked too much about things that I've NEVER, EVER posted publicly, like EVER, and it's not like I'm all of a sudden comfortable with putting myself out there like this to begin with - but please don't misunderstand me. I do want to have readers. It's just that which each new announcement, it feels as though I'm begging people to be interested in me! LOL! That's simply not who I am.
So, if you happen to stumble upon my blog and feel like reading, WELCOME! I'm so happy you came:).
It's been hot as - in the DC area these past few days. I'm NOT a fan of the heat for several reasons. One of the top reasons being that I prefer to wear my hair down, and in this heat, it's nearly impossible to do so without looking and FEELING crazy. I have a LOT of hair, curly and crazy hair, and I love it. I am not a fan of ponytails and buns because they tend to hurt, due to the weight of my mop. I also want to do everything possible to avoid receding my hairline!!
I'll be going to a baby shower tomorrow for one of my husband's cousins - great-cousins actually. I, being the "bag lady," had to instantly pick up the only bag-item on her registry, a black, super chic diaper bag. I don't remember diaper bags looking so cool back when I had babies to take care of - but then again, I never looked, as I wasn't as obsessed with bags as I've been this past year. I literally carried around the one given to me by the hospital at the time, a white one trimmed in pale blue, I think, with pastel colored animals all over it.
I don't miss having babies and I don't want any more, but I miss when my boys were babies. I would quite literally do it all over again - with them - if I had the chance. There is so much I would have done differently. I recently had a crying fit that just came out of nowhere because of how badly I felt about the mistakes I made with them.
They are good boys, but there are some things about their personalities that make me feel terrible because I know I helped to make it so because of the things I did and DIDN'T do. I don't want to go into details because this is my blog, not theirs, and it's not my place to go telling the world personal things about my growing sons, who, for those who don't know, are 17 (Jaylen) and 13 (Noah). I love them so very much and of all of the things I regret in life, I don't for one fraction of a second regret having them as sons.
If only we lived in a magical world where you could go back in time and live your life all over again with the knowledge and wisdom you have gained...sigh...
I didn't want to end this post without mentioning my 12-year-old daughter, Jada. There are people out there who I'm sure don't agree with or like the way Jada and I address or refer to each other in each other's presence or in conversation with others. You should know that nothing about our relationship was planned or expected, it simply happened naturally and felt right.
While I didn't give birth to Jada, and she has a mother and I'm married to her father, she is, for all intents and purposes, my daughter. It has never and will never feel right to refer to her as my "step-daughter." I have never asked her to call me "mommy," but she does. When she first started doing it, at least a full year before Jason and I even got married (we'll be married two years in August), it shocked me and caught me very much off guard. I immediately started to tell her she really didn't have to do that. She said she wanted to because it felt "right" to her. I provide for, think about, love and feel as much a part of Jada as I do my boys. We've been a part of each other's lives for SEVEN YEARS!
There was a time, years ago, when Jason and I were still dating and were having the biggest fight we've ever had - outside in the rain, no less! We were quite literally on the verge of breaking up. I struggled about the impending break up with thoughts about the fact that I have belonged to Jason in one way or another since December of 2004. My family loved him, my boys loved him, I still, at that very angry moment, loved him! But,none of that tugged at my heart as painfully as the very thought of leaving Jada. I simply couldn't do it...
As a girl, there is something about the thought of hurting Jada's feelings that makes me feel worse on the inside than sometimes I feel even about hurting my boys' feelings. NOT that I purposely aim to hurt either of my children, of course. But I find myself for the most part being more careful with her because I know what it's like to be a young girl. We are so full of different thoughts and emotions, and we take so much more into ourselves from our surroundings than boys seem to do...
Anyway, this got a little more personal than I expected and it even made me tear up a lil' bit while writing...
HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND!
Until next time,